Wrong

Since June 3rd was the last time I blogged I figured it was about time to write again. I'm not sure why I stopped blogging, but here I am more than six months later blogging.

Six months is a long time and yet I can't think of what to blog about it. I'm sure I had great thoughts and ideas in those six months that would make great posts.

Here's something I've been thinking about. In May it will mark five years since my graduation from high school. Five years. Half a decade. I think about where I was then and where I am now. And I'm stinkin' proud of myself. I was so naive. Man, I thought I was the bees knees. Man, was I wrong. I thought a lot of things that were wrong.

I thought I would be friends with my friends in high school forever. I remember Dr. Fullmer telling us that we probably wouldn't be friends with the friends we had then after high school and for some us we would never see each other again. And I remember thinking you're wrong, Dr. Fullmer, I will be friends with these people forever! It turns out I was wrong. Now I find myself avoiding people I knew in high school. Not because I don't want to talk to them or see them, but because I'm a different person now than I was then. A whole different person. And it's okay that I'm not friends with my friends from high school. In fact, it's good in a way.

I thought I would be married maybe with a baby by the time my five year reunion came around. A lot, probably most, of the people I know from high school are married with kids. And most of them have blogs where they record their love for their husbands and children. They write about how cute their newborns smile is or how incredible their husband is. They may write about how fast their children are growing, their first word, their first step. After high school you're expected to go to college, get married, and start a family. Somehow being married and having kids has became a stigma of success. Of course I want those things and I look forward with anticipation to blogging about my husband and kids. But I don't base how successful I feel about my life on that.

I thought a lot more things that were wrong that don't need to be hashed out here. My point is that even though where I thought I would be or where society thinks I need to be I am proud of myself. And I'm grateful I'm here and not there. Right now I'm content. I'm successful. I'm proud of myself. I'm glad I was wrong. I'm glad I'm a whole different person now. Being wrong turned out to be right.

Will I go to my five year reunion like I always said I would? Probably not. Just another thing I was wrong about.

The Good Life

So, finals start tomorrow. My 7th finals week! You'd think by now I'd be a pro. But I feel no where near pro status.

I stayed up all night earlier this week to write a paper. A 30 page paper! It was over 10,000 words. I'm kinda proud of the fact that I wrote a 30 page paper. How many people can say they did that? Anyway, I better get a good grade. I might not be so proud if I don't.

After this semester, I finally feel like a real nurse. And it feels wonderful! Next semester my clinical is at Primary Children's Medical Center is SLC. I can hardly wait. Working at PCMC is my dream job. I'm so excited! I will also have clinical at Intermountain Medical Center in Murray. Even though nursing school owns my life I love it. I'm doing what I love.

My life isn't perfect, but it's good!

Remember

How does 2010 have less than a month left?? How did that happen?

Remember this post?

I don't know what that big thing was or is or even if it happened.

I'm not sure how I feel about the year 2010 yet. I'll try to figure it out in the next 20 days or so. I'll be sure to let you know.

I'm hoping to make these last few days of 2010 the best of the year!

Trying

My thoughts today on 11/16/10:

"Try, and keep trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you."

-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

-Mark Twain

Fishing

I have so many thoughts right now. But I don't know how to put them into words.

Does this ever happen to you?

It's frustrating. All these things swimming around in my head, but I can't seem to figure out how to catch them.

Also, I can't wait for Thanksgiving break. By some miracle I get 10 days this year! I need the break so bad. It's gonna be wonderful.

Maybe I'll figure out how to catch these thoughts.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!

I spent the weekend with this stud. And two other awesome pups.

Untitled

I know I've been a blogging maniac lately. I hope you've enjoyed it! I think I'm going to take a break.

I've been trying to blog for the past hour.

I've written 3 different posts. But I can't get myself to post them, something is stopping me.

Maybe I'm afraid of sharing.

I have so many things flowing through my head right now. And I don't know how to process it all.

I'll be back.

Good Morning

this is me. again. at 3:30 am. in my room at home.

It's 3:28 am.

Today has been one crazy day. Have you ever showered with no shower curtain? I have. It's hard.

I just got home-to my parent's house. It's my home now. I don't live at Carriage Cove now. Weird.

I just spent the whole night cleaning my (old) apartment.

My feet hurt. And my back. And I'm SOOOO tired! (don't ask why I'm blogging right now)

It felt surreal to be leaving. I'm not sure it has hit me yet. Maybe tomorrow.

There is a lot of stuff piled in my room and on my bed. I don't know where I'm gonna sleep.

See? Lots of stuff!

I think I'm going to stay up all night. I have work at 8. I'll let you know how it goes.

Full

that's me. in my practically empty room at 1 am. after a day of moving and moving and moving. also, i didn't shower today. just thought you should know.

Right now I'm sitting in my practically empty room at the Cove.

I spent the day packing and moving and moving and moving. And I'm tired.

Oh. And I smell.

Moving is hard! I'd forgotten how much I dislike it.

Almost all my belongings are piled high in my room at my parent's house. I will live there for a week while I wait to move into my new place. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family! It will be refreshing to be somewhere "far away" from the drama of a single's ward.

I will spend the day cleaning and cleaning and cleaning in hopes that the Cove won't take a few last pennies from me. I've only given them close to $8,000 over the past two years. I'm sure they will find something to charge me for.

It feels strange to only have one more day in a place I have called "home" for two full years. Very full years! So much happened while I lived here. A lot changed. I changed.

Although it feels strange, it feels good to be leaving. I'm so glad I can say that. It took a long time and a lot of praying, but it does feel good. Change can be good! That's a lesson I've learned not only in the past few years, but in the past few months too.

Although my room is empty, I am not. I'm full. I'm full of so much. And I'm so grateful for that.

Good Night

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.

Harriet Tubman

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly.

Richard Bach

The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give what you are for what you might become.

W.E.B. Du Bois

If someone in your life talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would've left them long ago.

Carla Gordon

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I just spent the last hour looking at quotes.

The above were some of my favorites. I thought I'd share.

Also, can you believe it's August 15th? In 2010? How did it get to 2010? How did we get over half way through the year? Remember Y2k?

My head hurts.

I'm going to bed. You should too.

Goodnight!

I'll Do That Tomorrow

Where did the summer go? How is it already over?

I don't even know what I did this summer. Pathetic! I think of the past 3 months and there is only one thing I can think of that I really did. It makes me upset with myself.

I was going to have a productive summer. I don't know what happened to that idea. Probably I just kept telling myself I'll do that tomorrow. But here I am with only 18 days till school starts and what have I got to prove for it? Nothin' really. I don't even have a tan!

I had a list for the summer. I had goals.

What happened to all the time? I feel like everyday gets shorter. As I get older time moves faster!

Procrastination will be the death of me.

It makes me feel sad. And disappointed.

Good thing school starts soon, so I can feel productive.

Here's a picture for your viewing pleasure of something I did do this summer:

I ate fried tacos at least once a month at our monthly taco nights!

Season

I can't belive I'm saying this. But I'm loving change right now. I can't wait to move!

Earlier this summer I was trying to convince Kristen to stay at the Cove. She said "I'm moving. You can come with me or you can stay." She knew I wouldn't stay without her. She kept telling me "We are moving. Everything is going to be okay." (Sometimes I feel like a child when I get so irrational and I'm sure she feels like a broken record.)

But now I can't wait.

I feel so ready! And it feels so good. This change feels so right. The Lord's timing is perfect. I don't think a change in my life could have come at a better time.

I have loved living at Carriage Cove and I have loved my ward. I have learned and grown so much. But there is season and time to everything. It's my time to change.

I'm reminded of the song "Turn! Turn! Turn" by The Byrds



And the scripture in Ecclesiastes.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

Today I Feel...

Change

What we do allows the Atonement of Jesus Christ to change us into what we must be.

-President Henry B. Eyring

I love that. I love the Atonement. I love my Savior. I love the knowledge I have. I love that I can become what I must be.

We are here to change. We are here to become what we must be. We are here to return.

President Eyring's pray was 'Heavenly Father, it doesn't matter what I want. I don't care anymore what I want. I only want that Thy will be done. That is all that I want. Please tell me what to do.'

Are we willing to have this same prayer? Are we truly willing to do whatever He asks of us?

Are we willing to put aside any wants we have? Are we willing to put aside what we think is best?

I ask myself these questions. And I answer the way any of us would answer.

But then I think....

Why is it so hard to do my visiting teaching? Why is it so hard to remember my morning prayers? Why do I wait till 2 am to do my scripture study when I know I won't get much out of it?

And then I think how willing am I?

The natural man is a hard thing to fight. I'm so grateful the Lord is patient.

I hope you have a great Sunday.

Raining

So I haven't packed a bag and drove away. Yet.

I've been thinking a lot about patience lately. For anyone that knows me you know I have no patience. Like, really, none! I've been trying to fix this. I've been studying scriptures and conference talks. I prayed that the Lord would give me more patience. Be careful when you ask for things like this.

I feel it goes something like this:

"Hey Heavenly Father, will you help me have more patience?"

"Patience! Oh yeah! I can do that! Here you go!"

And it arrives in a nice pretty package, but then you open it up.

Now I'm praying that the Lord will help me as I learn patience. Cause man, when it rains it pours! I'm glad He doesn't expect us to do it alone.

On My Mind Today

1. Music is speaking to my soul these days! I just love it. I can't get enough of it. All types. Country, Rock, Alternative, Rap, Hip-Hop, R&B, Jazz, Soft Rock, Easy Listening. You name it. It's all speaking to me.

2. My emotions are so close to the surface right now. I don't know what it is. (It's not even my time of the month) I'm finding myself feeling all sorts of things. Happy, Sad, Excited, Scared, Confused, Frustrated, Angry. I'm just a roller coaster. What is my deal?

3. Life is so unpredictable. We're having a love-hate relationship right now. You might say but that's what makes life fun? But you know what I wouldn't mind some boring every know and then.

4. In less than 2 months I will move out of a place I have lived for 2 years. It feels like I've been there for an eternity. It has taken some time, but I'm finally ready! And I'm excited! I've found in the past 2 months that the more I get to know a lot of the boys in my ward the less I like them. I know, sad right? But it's the truth.

5. In less than 2 months guess who gets home? Christopher! I miss him terribly today. Oh. And I never mentioned that Richard is home. (I don't know if he reads this) But I'm glad he's home. He's not weird. I thought he would be weird for sure.

6. My sister in law Laura got accepted into the UVU nursing program yesterday! I'm so happy for her. It reminds me of when I got in! I was on top of the world. It felt so good! Congrats Laura!!

7. I'm trying to be patient. It's hard.

8. Like I said yesterday I'm ready for school to start.

9. I'm always wishing for the future to come faster. I need to stop that. See #7.

10. Today I will be happy.

What's on your mind today?

Ready, Set, Go!

Do you ever just feel ready?

I feel so ready.

Ready for life, for everything, for change.

Just ready!

I'm ready!

I've got my cape in hand. I've got my running shoes on. And my umbrella for the rain.

I'm ready now!

Bring. It. On.

As Kelly would say, "I'm ready now, come get me!"

Numb

This is my horoscope for today:

Things should be going quite well for you, Courtney. Stay on track and you will have a clear runway to take off from. If, however, you deviate from where you need to be, you might receive a harsh reminder from something or someone who kicks you in the pants. There are powerful forces at work, and it will be to your benefit to work with them instead of against them. Maintain your focus on the truth and those aspects of life that are in alignment with your inner soul.

I especially like the line that says "you might receive a harsh reminder from something or someone who kicks you in the pants."

Go read your horoscope for the day here! I hope it can brighten your day.

On another note. I went to the dentist today. I'm not very fond of the dentist. One of my most disliked feelings in the world is having my mouth numb! I just hate it. And I also hate the way your mouth tastes when they are drilling. Yuck!

But. I got laughing gas. It seems to have the opposite effect on me though. I don't laugh. I get really, really tired. It just relaxes me so much. All my limbs feel SO heavy. It's weird. But I love it!

Get Away

Life can take a funny turn of events!

Sometimes I think I get things figured out-like about a month ago-and then I realize that I have nothing figured out-like now.

Everyone in my ward has been having dating discussions like mad. I'm sick of shallow and immature guys!

I think I'm finally ready to move out of my ward.

My room is messy. And my bank account is empty. I have no clean underwear.

I have so many dreams. And I feel like they are so far out of reach right now.

I need a vacation. I need sometime away from Provo.

p.s. I usually shy away from posts like this. But I have nothing else to say. And it's my blog! But don't worry life is still so good! :)

Wide Open Spaces

Doesn't this look so nice?

I want to go somewhere where the grass goes on forever. On horse back preferably.

You can't see where you started and you can't see where you are going. You're just in the present moment! The past and the future don't matter. Just that very moment. Pure bliss!

She needs wide open spaces

Room to make her big mistakes

who i am

This is how I feel today.

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make a big mistake
And when I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowing
I will be just fine
Cause nothing changes who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser; I'm a winner
I am steady and unstable
I'm young, but I am able

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I am Rosemary's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends that love me
And they know where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am
That's who I am

How do YOU feel today??